With grief, I have learned that it’s not something we just move on from after a certain amount of time. It’s something that becomes a new part of our lives. Of course, the intensity fades, and strong waves of grief come and go.

That Frightful Day

My life has forever changed over the last year. My 27 year old daughter, Emily, died in June 14, 2022. It was the most devastating event of my life. The grief was so overwhelming the first few months, I can hardly remember them. My husband and my mom were by my side every day for me to lean on. A few friends stopped by to give us food and a shoulder to cry on. I really appreciate those people who stopped by or called to check in on me during that time. It meant a lot.

A Difficult Find

I discovered something about friends, death and grief. Overall, I think everyone’s intention is that they love and care and are praying and thinking about the griever very often. But honestly, what I experienced and this is my point of view…is that people are hesitant to actually reach out. This took me by surprise. I can only assume that people think we, grievers, are too overwhelmed and busy with our new life in grief. Reality…I was home. I would have welcomed anyone to come visit me, talk with me, and offer hugs. I think many are afraid of those who are grieving and don’t know how to respond. Or, maybe they just can’t handle the sadness of others. Yes, it can seem awkward from the other side. I’ve been there. But, at least for me. On this side, I was still the same person, just different now. Grief sucks, and I know people don’t mean to stay away. This is not for anyone to feel guilt, but to be aware for the next person who is a new griever. Stay in touch…really.

“But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.” ~ Psalm 3:3

Word of Advice

So if that might be how you feel around a griever, here’s my advice. We just want you to be present, extend your support, without being requested. We will not typically ask you to come over or meet with us. When you are present, support us in whatever emotion we may be in. Be okay if we cry a little or a lot. Or, we might laugh and seem absolutely great. We need to do that way and if we’re sobbing, it will pass. You don’t need to “fix” it, and you don’t need to say anything profound. Let a person grieve how they are grieving. Just be present. It matters. Follow their needs and conversation. That’s all. It’s easier than you think.

A Bright Star

I thank God we had a bright star in all this grief. We are raising our granddaughter from my other daughter, Lizzi. Violet is 2 years old. It has been a blessing to have her with us. She brings us so much joy. It’s hard to stay outwardly sad when she is around. Her mom has struggled with mental health more than she’s been able to manage, so we stepped in to care for her. Grief doesn’t stop though. Even though caring for a 2 year old is a lot of work. As I’m 50 years old and grieving my daughter, I can’t imagine what my life would look like if my Emily died and I was without Violet’s cute, silly, loving personality to keep pushing me to function. Her presence helps me to live the best life that I can with all of this.

“You keep Him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” ~ Isaiah 26:3-4

Moving Forward

Emily would not want me to be sad forever and not follow my passions. We both expressed this sentiment to each other many times. We said how proud we were of each other. At some moments in my grief, I thought that I would never be happy about anything ever again. That I have lost all passion for my life. With my Emily gone and my Lizzi struggling so much, I have felt sorry for myself as a mom. They are my children. I’ve asked God many questions about how we got here, and how to move on, and what will the future look like. And, how am I going to raise a teenager again…and this time I’ll be in my 60’s…lol! Emily would never want to see me shrink from life. I know that she had every confidence in me to continue my life goals, care for Violet, and keep her in my heart forever. That is my goal everyday. I know that God will continue to bring me lessons, blessings and His comfort. Jesus is the Good Shepherd. He redeems what is broken, and He restores our soul. I will lean on that!